This post includes the full video from the Growing Real Change series.
This reflection is part of the Growing Real Change series, where I explore how real, lasting change actually works—tested in the garden, and proved in life. In this piece, we look at ambivalence: the often-ignored reason people stall, hesitate, or quietly sabotage change before it ever begins.
Most people don’t fail at change.
They fail before they ever start—at honesty.
Not honesty with other people.
Honesty with themselves.
We say we want change. We say we’re motivated. We say we’re ready. But beneath that surface desire, there’s often something quieter and more complicated going on: part of us wants things to be different, and part of us very much wants things to stay the same.
That tension has a name. It’s called ambivalence.
Ambivalence isn’t weakness. It isn’t resistance. It isn’t laziness. It’s the human experience of standing between two truths at the same time.
In my clinical work, I’ve watched this play out for decades. People want better sleep—but don’t want to give up their late-night “me time.” They want less screen time—but fear being on the outside looking in. They want closer relationships—but assertiveness and truth-telling feel dangerous. They want change—but they also want protection from loss, conflict, or uncertainty.
Both sides make sense.
Here’s where most change advice goes wrong: it treats ambivalence like a problem to overcome instead of a reality to understand. We’re told to push harder, get motivated, make stronger commitments, or “just do it.” But if you ignore the part of you that benefits from the status quo, it doesn’t disappear. It just goes underground.
And underground, it quietly pulls the brakes.
In the garden, this looks like planting without checking what’s already growing. You can add compost, seeds, and water—but if invasive roots are already established, they’ll compete for space and nutrients. You won’t notice it right away. At first, everything looks fine. Then growth stalls. Plants struggle. You wonder why nothing is taking off.
That’s ambivalence at work.
Real change starts when we slow down enough to name what’s pulling us in opposite directions. When we acknowledge the benefits—yes, the benefits—of old patterns. When we get honest about the costs of change, not just the costs of staying the same.
That’s not failure.
That’s wisdom.
Sometimes the most honest conclusion isn’t “I need a better plan.”
It’s “This might not be the right season yet.”
And that insight—earned, not forced—is often what makes real change possible later.
Change also stalls because the systems we are apart of – family, friendships, work – sometimes resist change, even when these changes are healthy and desirable.
Farmer Dave Truth
“Half the people want to change, half the people just want to talk about it, and the other half don’t know what they want.”
Dr. Dave Insight
Ambivalence is central in evidence-based change work, including Motivational Interviewing. Sustainable change doesn’t come from arguing someone into action—it comes from helping them hear themselves think. When people can openly name both sides of their motivation, they regain agency. Planning works after honesty, not before it.
Garden Takeaway
Before you plan, pause. Ask yourself what the current pattern is giving you—and what changing it might cost. If you can hold both truths without rushing, you’re not stuck. You’re preparing the ground.
If you want help working through ambivalence honestly and safely, you’ll find a free Ambivalence Worksheet on the GardenShrink Free Resources page.